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I am a spooky man, I come from down the way and I can play... what can you play? I play the mind.. games. Watch as I bring in this New Age of sew.. age and get sued by every Tom, Dick and Harry. For saying that Harry had his Dick inside Tom. The Inside scoop if you will, all I do is invite trouble, and incite the filter-bubble minded and unite the outsiders... The do-gooders are trying to downsize us. But as you now fight us, realise that this is a war that you will die in. You will lose your life if you try to swim the current. The tide is too strong, there's no use struggling or fighting. We will fight tooth and nail, no time for truce or failure. This time I am not playing games, no time to lose our flavour. This tooth is sabre. Only sensing Victor Creed. The fist is iron. Danny Rand, and when the blows land the damage is excessive. Don't say you didn't hear this message! When I leave you in that pile of wreckage over there. Things will get messy. Aggressive prose, and there will be no regressing at all. No holding back or crumbling like a folding deck chair. Here, I will give you these turds, these words, these absurd ramblings like they have been subliminally transplanted.
Sir, sir, i am so sorry, we should have been more specific, we don't accept any kind of poop transplants or poop returns, or poop refunds.
We will no longer tolerate your shit. This shit has gone on too long. The shit really has hit the fan. And most importantly... Shi Ting is not happy.
Shi Ting: "You keep bringing us your shit... aaaarg don't you see? we give the shit away! we are not taking any of it, we are trying our hardest to get rid of all this shit, the last we need is more of it!"
Delivery Guy: "Here maam, 50 more crates of shit as ordered!"
Shi Ting: "What!? I didn't order any of this shit! Take it away immediately!"
Delivery Guy: "Can't do that love, against the rules I'm afraid."
Shi Ting: "But what am I supposed to do with all this shit?!"
Delivery Guy: "Ahhh, well you should have thought about that before you ordered all this shit."
Shi Ting: "Shit."
Delivery Guy: "You are in a bit of a shit predicament."
Shi Ting: "I've already had to deal with some shit earlier, and now this shit."
Delivery Guy: "That's why it's called The Shit Factory."
Shi Ting: "I can't take this job anymore. I SHIT!!! I mean... I quit!"
"She was not shitting anyone when she said that shit, she really went and shit us all by quitting, what a load of shit, and to do that shit in such a shitty moment, what is this a shit factory or something?" - Cra Ping director of Shit Factory SA 2016
The Shit Factory was shit... I mean shut down. Somme Say on the orders of Martin Demise, he had his fingers in a lot of pies... I mean shit pipes. Why was Martin starting that shit again? He didn't even give the staff any redundancy packages. The shit they had to deal with and in the end they get no shit for their trouble.
And then Martin had an idea. "Is shit flammable?" he pondered as he thought about setting fire to the Shit Factory to claim insurance. But Shi Ting and Cra Ping would not be very happy about this. But Poo Ping was in on the loop. As was Loo Ping. The whole Ping family knew what was going to happen except Cra Ping.
Cra Ping was in some deep shit now that the factory was closing business, his brothers were unusually unconcerned about the whole situation, and with Martin gone missing for what has been years now, there was no way of knowing how to get out of this shit.
"Someone needs to do something!" Said Cra Ping while he sat on the toilet thinking and shitting, "I don't like how this shit smells... maybe it is time i start eating more veggies, oh and i also need to do something with the Factory, it is all coming down to shit, next thing you know there wont be any toilet paper!"
And indeed just as he was to check, no toilet paper was found, Cra Ping soon found himself trapped in a toilet with his soiled ass, and no way out of his shitty predicament, or so it seemed, but he had a washlet so not all was lost.
Cra Ping sat there pondering his next move. If it was one thing that being trapped on the toilet gave him, it was time to think of a plan. He sat with his head in his arms, the stench of shit now wafting throughout the toilet. This was a terrible predicament, everybody had sold him down the river, Martin... even his own family. He felt alone and lost. In one final act of desperation he stretched his hand around the back of the toilet bowl, his fingers stumbling upon a hidden compartment. Reaching inside he became excited, he could feel a roll of paper. But upon taking it out and looking at it, he realised it was tracing paper. Hard and crispy tracing paper, the kind they would use in cheap school toilets back in the day, the type of paper that would rip your ass to shreds.
The other problem is that taking the roll of tracing paper out of the hidden compartment also triggered a sensor pad and a countdown. The warning was clear, one minute until Stink Bomb detonation. In exactly a minute the toilet would become a smog of liquid ass. The toilet stank bad enough as it was, but these were highly potent stink bombs.
He had two choices. 1) Perish in the Great Stink Bomb Disaster or 2) Wipe his ass with tracing paper shredding his buttocks to pieces and if he was lucky hobble out of that toilet with his life intact.
It was a real shit dilemma.
He was in a really shitty situation, but just then he had an epiphany, he would water his ass with the washlet in between wipes to minimize the damage, but alas, once he activated the mechanism no stream of water came to save his ass, he was stuck, with some hard and drying shit hanging from his butthole, looks like things would have to get rough.
At first it was believed that the hanging thread was shit, but it was later discovered to be a hemorrhoid that had prolapsed. So not only was he now trapped in a stinky toilet with the threat of further menace from the stink bomb, he also had to contemplate wiping his bloody hemmy ass with tracing paper. His anguish would be so pained that he might win an Emmy for his performance.
He tore off a bit of the tracing paper, and even that made a horribly harsh tearing sound as if to pre-warn him that this was going to be one hell of an ordeal. He barely had 40 seconds left on the clock, so he had to act fast. The theme tune from the film Saw began to play in the background as he started to wipe his ass accompanied by some twisted soundbites from Jigsaw.
Sweating profusely Cra Ping neared the tracing paper to his prolapsed ass, delicately and slowly getting to the moment of contact, 10 seconds left on the clock, the music was getting more and more intense, "Enough of this shit!" exclaimed Cra Ping, "This isn't how i go!" Cra Ping stood up with his anus bloody and dirty he kicked the shit out of the toilet's door, and in one swift motion he jumped out of the place, as he flew away from his shitting sitting thinking place a huge stinking explosion was heard but not smelled behind him.
what a terrible thing to go to war over
The unification of all China seems like a good reason to go to war tho, specially because after that battle Wei got shitted all over, oh the coincidence is too priceless!
As he dived out of the door he realised his big mistake. He had locked himself inside another room.
Suddenly Jigsaw's voice came over the tannoy. "Thomas Winston, a CEO, a greedy CEO, you have spent your whole life shitting on people, that's all you do, you launder money and you shit on your employees. If you had stayed in the room and let the countdown reach zero, you would have been saved. Now you are locked in another room and the only key to the door to escape is inside your bowels. If you want to live, you will have to fish it out. It is attached to your hemorrhoid. But be warned, if you want to survive, you will have to work for it. When the countdown reaches zero, the door will lock forever, immediately releasing a stink bomb gas that will take six hours to kill you."
Cra Ping was screaming, his hands trembling reaching down, he pinched hold of the bloody hemorrhoid between his thumb and forefinger and started to pull at it. Suddenly a wire started to unravel from out of his asshole, but attached to this wire were razor sharp razor blades. His screams were like those of a wild animal, each razor blade slicing through butt skin, blood and shit started to drip down, he could feel his whole bowel being pulled. Razor blade after razor blade, more shredding, more blood, more screams, unbearable agony until finally the key exited his ass.
With trembling hands he grabbed at the key, the countdown now down to the last 10 seconds. He tried to fit the bloody key in the keyhole, but it slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor. "Come on you stupid fucking key!!" He managed to get the key in the slot but it wouldn't turn due to the blobs of blood. The countdown reached zero!
"GAME OVER, THOMAS!"
"No you fuck!!! You can't do this to me!"
The door suddenly bolted shut and the room started to fill with Fart Spray and lethal stink bomb gas, the potency immediately filling up his lungs setting them on fire. He collapsed against the floor choking, coughing up blood. He lay dying.
Would this be the end of Thomas Winston?
Find out next week!!
- The Following Day at a tropical island-
We follow Thomas Winston as he enjoys some undeserved and glamorous vacations in a resort at a private island, while he reads the news displayed on his tablet: http://www.newgrounds.com/dump/item/3f912728f340c4a7d320469f2e6fe479
TW: "What the hell is this shit? how they dare! to mistake my glorious self with some shitty director from a shit factory! the nerve of some people!"
You like Friday the 13th?
Meh, like is a strong word.
You think positively of it? Truth betold I forgot why I asked.Had something to do with the new game, and Wii U.
I don't think badly of it...
Ah, well some guy kept complaining to me that the new game wouldn't be on the Wii-U.
Meh, no Wii-U emulator as far as i know so i don't really care.
Plus i am indifferent on the game reminds me a lot of dead by daylight but single player, i am more exited about these 2:
Yeah I saw those. Is it sad I find that daemon sexy, aaalso the bottom one reminds me of some of H.R gigers works, sadly when I found out about him, he died.
HR Giger and Zdzislaw Beksinski.
You know i also found it sexy, i had to remind myself my hardon was still made out of flesh and thus it remains subtitle to be bitten off.
Just looked up Beksinski , and my god is it beautiful.
He is my favorite artist, i like him even more than Hieronymus Bosch.
Now the work of Beksinski can certainly be beautiful, charming, erotic, even sexy at times, but that's by no means the word i would use to describe his work, ever, as a matter of fact i would prefer to go with bizarre before anything else.
I find alot of odd things sexy. The human brain (or probably mine) is wierd.
Na the human brain in general is weird, but that's just to be expected from an organ that goes and names itself, studies itself, and then comes out criticizing itself amazed and disappointed with itself at the same time...
It's also pretty glitchy our brains if you really think about it.
See there it goes again criticizing itself and being disappointed with itself.
A second mistaken identity related killing soon followed. This time it was Thomas Crapper that was found slain, lying propped up on the toilet, pants still around his ankles, a razor blade daisy chain still hanging out of his ass.
Regular reader and subscriber of Well Shit - Mr Thomas Winston once again saw another death that was supposed to be his own. This one had him worried a little bit, somebody was out to get him. But who and why?
In the middle of worrying, Thomas Winston ordered another pina colada to be brought to his deckchair by one of his personal waitresses. Suddenly his phone rang. He picked up. "Hello, is that Thomas Winston?" -- "Yep, that's me." -- "I'm sorry Mr Winston, we've found another one dead... Well Shit are saying it's you again."
TW: "This slander has been going for way too long! *takes a sip from his beverage* it is as if they were doing it on purpose, killing buggers and comparing them to me!"
Phone: "But... Mr Winston, on the other hand you get to live"
TW: "Yes... but they are aiming to kill my image!"
Phone: "Don't you have a world wide reputation as the corrupt CEO of an irresponsible oil company anyway?"
TW: "Not that kind of image, my physical image, i am beautiful! handsomely glorious! how they dare mistake me with those fuglies!?" *takes another sip*
While all this was going on, the waitress stood there amazed with how carefree rich people could be.
I like how it's steaming.
Only the freshest of shits, yes sir.
http://i.imgur.com/oRm7AMph.jpg inked an alien, fml I feel sick now. Happy Halloween!
Alien? oh, i see she has antennae and a third eye on her hair, now color her green or blue and you are done.
I have no colours though.
Digitally color it?
I aint got no computer.
Well, and your PS doesn't has a paint tool? even with that you could search in google for an online paint tool, of course using a controller for that would be quite hard.
Ccckkkk. "I'm sorry, we interrupt tonight's programming with a News Flash. It seems that there has been a further killing due to mistaken identity. Bizarrely, the man was believed to have been carrying an ID Card with the name Thomas Draper. As of yet, we have no idea on the connection between Thomas Crapper and Thomas Draper."
TW: "I don't even have the same name as any of these guys so why do they keep implicating me everytime somebody dies?"
*A gun clicks*
Female Waitress: "You see, Mr Winston. You have got to be very careful who you trust in this world. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
Thomas Winston: "But you're neither a friend nor an enemy. You're just my latest shagpiece."
Female Waitress: "So that's how you see me is it? Do you think I'm stupid, that I didn't know you wouldn't go into hiding and alter your identity?"
Suddenly the female waitress began to pull at her neck, the skin started to come away, lots of gum underneath started to stretch out. Eventually she pulled off the mask. It was.. oh my God it was VGAD. Oh how the times have changed! Oh how the mighty have fallen! Retreated into hiding, settling on private islands. Is that really how you want to be remembered...... IBA?"
Suddenly Thomas Winston started to remove his gummy face. You think I don't keep my ear to the street? Literally sometimes? You think I was retired. No no no... I've been planning my next big move. When we fight on that Orbital Train, it is going to be thunder."
The IBA and VGAD were back. The mistaken identity slayings continued.
IBA: "Indeed this was all part of my plan, as a matter of fact, my next big move already started"
*IBA directs the back of his tablet at VGAD and takes a photo*
IBA: "What do you think the world will think of you? the man formerly known as PAD... hehe, not only did i removed that beard you were so proud of, but now, now i have you here dressed as a french maid, and serving as my waitress nonetheless!"
*IBA takes another sip of his beverage*
VGAD: "Ha! that's wha..."
IBA: "Oh say what you want, but there's no way to explain this photo, seems like you lost the battle before it could even start."
Hmmmmm... I guess I'll get some Prisma collours when I can.
That's a plan.
VGAD would become a pioneer. He would forever be known as the world's first ever transvestite superhero. Gaining LGBT rights was only the beginning. His new name would be VGADAM (Very Good At Dressing As Women).
The IBA on the other hand, would continue to sip his beverages, unaware that one of them was spiked with roofies.
VGAD - "You wont be laughing soon, IBA. I promise you that." He gave a little twirl and let out a little coy feminine laugh that was highly disturbing. Almost as disturbing as the mistaken identity slayings which were still on the increase.
The only clue for all the people that were being killed was that they all appeared to have some vague connection to Clive Mongrel. Surely he wasn't behind all of this?!
As VGAD laughed the IBA received another notification on his tablet.
IBA: "... another 20 died just now."
VGAD: "But are they really dead? Clive was a master at faking his own dead."
IBA: "Yes, but none of those were Clive... something is going on here."
VGAD: "There's always something going on! this is just another distraction, focus on me! on us!"
IBA: "Can you stop being such an attention whore for once? that dress doesn't even looks good on you, i am trying to figure out just from what exactly we are being distracted..."
VGAD: "I already told you... from us."
IBA: "Is that so? but are you really prepared, can you dodge my bubblegum? if i were to attack now... would your stiletto-maid-dressed-ass be able to leave unscathed?"
*IBA finishes his current drink, and takes another beverage, proceeds to take a sip, but stops midway*
IBA: "What are you even doing here anyway?"
I need to post stuff on here more, jesus. Anywho, how are things?
They are in a state of deep suspense.
Well that's a way to interpret it i guess.
The IBA and VGAD had come a long way since their hippie days. But even when they were hippies they were trying to outdo or get the better of each other.
Neither of them was willing to let sleeping dogs lie. They wanted those sleeping dogs to wake up and tell the truth. Wake up and smell the coffee! Wake up and smell the coffins they were buried alive in! Holy shit, those sleeping dogs need some fucking air! Could this be the one time when IBA and VGAD finally set aside their differences and work together!!!
*long dramatic pause*
"No." In fact they went on to hate each other even harder than before. Their bitter rivalry continued well through the decades... through bubblegum attacks, beard scalping, stiletto maid outfits, orbital trains (a fight that got postponed until the Year 2057) and eventually, sectioned to the Psychiatric Unit of Bizarre Machinations. Kept in Rooms 5 and 6 for further evaluation and testing.
That was until they escaped the same evening. So much for those tests and evaluations.
"The only thing being tested here, is my patience," said an angry Clive Mongrel to one eyewitness.
IBA and VGAD, best friends forever, together til the end, til the very end, 100 years IBA and VGAD, IBA and VGAD foerever, and ever.
The kind of friendship that only a bitter rivalry could sustain, and simultaneously impossibility.
And as the IBA and VGAD stared each other down, a montage of past events began to play in slow motion along with this song:
IBA and VGAD just stood there looking at each other, with that song playing in the background, the situation getting more and more awkward, and then, the IBA broke the silence:
IBA: "That makes no sense, you are on a maid uniform not a high-school girl uniform!"
VGAD: "I mean it is close enough, inst it?"
IBA: "Really what are you even doing here!? i can't defeat you looking like... this! i have a reputation to keep, and frankly speaking you are making a mockery of this rivalry"
VGAD: "But IBA my dear!" *dramatic pose*
IBA: "Enough woman, i just can't take this anymore!"
VGAD: "Think about the children!"
IBA: "They are old enough, they can handle it, plus i will visit them on the weekends..."
Clive: "Now, now hold it there, how the hell did the conversation ended like this?"
What has the world come to? Two once fearsome foes relegated to domesticated retirement. Sitting on sunny beaches, wearing pervy outfits.
Wake the fuck up IBA and VGAD!!! Get a grip of yourselves!!!!!!
And while the mysterious unnamed voice was trying to scream some sense into IBA and VGAD, this song started playing in the background.
And at 2.46, just as the song was finishing, IBA and VGAD began to stare each other down again with intent and menace! Pure evil etched on their faces, but then at 3.05 of the song, they just broke off and carried on eating ice cream, while VGAD continued to prance around in uniforms with this music faintly playing in the background.
The sound was coming from a live band actually, truthfully an scene out of an stereotypical vacation scene in which the boss goes out with his maid on an adulterous adventure.
One Boss and His Maid. Due for release in 2019.
On your favorite pornographic network.
And by due for release, I mean the orgasm is due for release in 2019.
The audiences will love this film, they will lap it up. The film I mean, not the cum juice!
The film has been given an official classified rating of (P) Which stands for Perverted. People will be throwing up in their thousands, or walking out disgusted from the Cannes Film Festival.
But what can I say? I'm a controversial director!
And some, i guess, will fap to it.
Some will fap, others will clap. Many will collapse. Perhaps?
For over enthusiasm surely.
In other news, hide and seek champ found dead in cupboard:
Tragedy as history repeats itself.
BTW i need the name of the model for a scientific research on visual input and physiological stimuli, in which a lever like action eventually leads to a loss in body mass, when paired with said visual input.
History repeats itself... repeats itself... repeats itself. Said the hide and seek champ as he contemplated the prospect of never being found.
"So fucking hungry," he said, "but I just can't leave my fucking cupboard!"
"And the model is...... " *Scarlett Johansson opens envelope* (It's always Scarlett Johansson!)
The model is...... *loud interfering coughing*
BE FUCKING QUIET!!!
The model is...... Lucy Pinder. Ironic how he couldn't be found, but Lucy Pinder, I could find her.
He even tried to eat the cupboard, but abstained from it, the sounds of his desperate munching could reveal his position, and that would leave a stain in the name of the hide and seek champ, and he was not going to sully that name.
With an empty stomach, and starting to agonize from hunger pains the hide and seek champ decided to curl into a ball in order to muffle the growls coming from the echo formed by the gastric juices cannibalizing the walls of his stomach.
"Come on, you can do it, this so called process known as hunger will only last for some minutes, maybe even a couple hours, after that autophagy will start and we will be set and ready to go unnoticed, i just need to be quieter" thought the hide and seek champ as he hugged his legs tightly in order to cover as much of his belly as he could.
It seems that not even putting himself at risk of starvation was enough to discourage the champ from his hide and seek ambitions.
Thanks miss Johansson, now we can get this research going...
Well of course he was the hide and seek champ, only by dying could he be found, but what some wonder if, could it be that all this time he was really trying to find himself... hiding away in a more safe environment than a cupboard?
A suitable pic for your terrifi... ahem I mean scientific research:
The story clearly stated that history was repeating itself. So this has happened before. Maybe when he was on that spiritual journey to find himself, he literally meant his other half, his twin, his doppleganger, the brother he liked to secretly gangbang in the cupboard.
And suddenly events started to take a sinister turn! The hide and seek champ's secret affair was in danger of being discovered. All he could do now was eat his brother's corpse, it was the only means of survival, and ensure that his record as the World Record hide and seek champ was secured. His brother had not made it. Trying to bite chunks out of the cupboard only led to dislodged teeth and splinters in the gums.
This was a horrible situation! A ghastly tragedy! ... But one that the Sunday Sport newspaper would report with satire, as well as show a woman with a giant pair of tits on the same page!
How insensitive!! How could they. Those tits were so big they were nearly covering up the picture of the man, potentially making him a hide and seek champ after death as well.
Scarlett Johansson didn't know which way to turn, her eyes rolling awkwardly from one side to another as she plonked the envelope and card down on the plinth and ran out of there pronto. Successfully escaping into a taxi and speeding off.
But what about the hide and seek champ? Well he ate his brother and remained hidden for so long that hunger began to kick in again. Nobody could find him, were they just not looking, were they all at some top secret fraternity party and they didn't want him there for looking like a speccy mongy Hitler lookalike?
Eventually he curled up into a ball once more and slowly faded out, to the sound of voices in the room muttering, "he's got to be in here somewhere, we've looked all over for him."
The hide and seek champ passed away just as they opened the cupboard door. What they discovered would shock the whole world! ... Well shock a few Sunday Sport readers and at least give them a small chuckle at some poor man's bizarre death.
But even his tragic death would be overshadowed by the presence of Lucy Pinder's giant tits.
The cupboard, officially known by those who used it as the fuckboard was the designated meeting place for a secret fraternity that routinely engaged in incestuous gangbangs, however as the fraternity expanded the fuckboard was left unattended, and covered in a myriad of bodily fluids, this in turn gave the fuckboard a particular aroma, a stench strong enough to even cover the fumes emanating from a human corpses.
The hide and seek champ loved to go to the fuckboard and engage in gratuitous gangabangs with his twin, the peculiar smells accumulated inside the enclosed space only added to the whole morbid experience, to the taboo of fucking and being fucked by the one more similar to yourself, it was bizarre experience in which the two of them could become one, in the beginning the presence of the other members of the fraternity helped them to keep a sense of individuality, but as they were able to spend more and more time alone, their selves became to fuse, into a very gay conjoined being.
But the union didn't last, it was just a matter of time until they had to leave the fuckboard and continue with their lives, separated again, to be in search of each other, this time however the only thing the champ would find was the corpse of he who once was his intimate partner, brother, and complementary self.
Scarlett Johansson was baffled, she was not expecting that kind of reflection to come from her taxi driver, how could she be so well informed about the inner workings of that secret fraternity? how could she know about the psyche and relationship of the hide and seek champ twins? if her breast where as big as those of Lucy Pinder would she still need to use push-up bras? Scarlett Johansson made all those questions and more as she traveled to her luxurious hotel.
And as it turns out, the taxi driver was none other than the hide and seek vice-champ, and lover of the twins, or so she liked to think, but she knew the truth all along, she was just a bridge to connect the two brothers as they interlocked gazes with each other in that fuckboard, the question was never how could two men love one woman? but rather how could two men love each other and deceive themselves away from their pulsating incestuous homosexuality by having a girlfriend as their intermediary? the hide and seek vice champ couldn't handle the truth, she felt used, like a tool used to seek and find the forbidden union of a pair who excelled at hiding themselves from themselves and society, and she felt ignored, it was unfair for she to be the only one doing the seeking, she too wanted to be found.
Scarlett Johansson nodded in agreement, it was an almost cliche tale, the common struggle of every woman as they navigate their lives searching for that perfect lover that will fill them with happiness, as they drove to the luxurious hotel, the both of them pondered if having big breasted women like Lucy Pinder had it more easier, but then immediately noticed that they themselves weren't all that far behind when it came to breast circumference, which lead to the conclusion that such things were simply a non-factor when it came to the hide and seek game of snatching a good partner.
Man I've been quiet. So, started playing parasite Eve, and I love it.
The FraternTitty Chronicles. A Midget Called Chronicle fidgeting with his giant-sized penis on an almost daily basis. He could not stop playing with his stick. He was a regular visitor to the fuckboard, usually when he was bored and feeling down in the dumps. 'Fuck being bored,' he would say before making the 3000 mile journey to the other side of the world in order to visit this particular fuckboard. A top secret, but extremely bleachy and pissy fuckboard. The smell of corpses was like roses compared to the bodily fluid montage.
This place wasn't just a place for incest, this was a brothel for twincest.
The hide and seek vice champ's real name was Carlo Johandsome. Scarlett had found her other half, he was right under her nose, but she didn't know, after all he was just a lowly taxi driver, paid to take random people to random places on dark and dangerous nights. She was just another one to him. Just another pretty face with big boobs, paid to open envelopes at award ceremonies for a living. "And the winner is......" oh the amount of times she had rehearsed that phrase at home until she was blue in the face. She was too busy opening envelopes, too distracted and preoccupied to find her partner. After booking into the hotel, she headed to her hotel room. But as she opened the door and let herself inside, there was a shadowy figure stood waiting for her.
Scarlett Johansson: "It's no good hiding behind the curtain, I know who you are. I can see a silhouette of your giant fucking boobs.
Lucy Pinder stepped out from behind the curtain.
Lucy Pinder: "We meet again, Scarlett. I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time."
Scarlett Johansson: "What do you want from me!"
Lucy Pinder: "I'm here to make you a proposal. Tell me, Scarlett. Are you still waiting to be found? Still looking for Mr Right?"
Scarlett Johansson: "No."
Lucy Pinder: "Ever wondered why that is? Have you never considered that it may be really 'Mrs' Right that you are looking for? And that she is right here under your nose? Well these boobs are seeing as they are so big."
Scarlett Johansson: "Hah! Mine are bigger!"
Lucy Pinder: "I see... so you want to play those little comparison games do you? It is time to take the FTCT (famous tit comparison test) and this will once and for all lay to rest who has the biggest boobs. There will be no cheating. No push up bras, just tit for tat warfare."
Scarlett Johansson: "And this time it's personal!"
Lucy Pinder: "But it's not though is it?"
Scarlett Johansson: "You're right, it's not really."
Lucy Pinder: "If instead of fighting, we became one, and literally fused our boobs together, we would be absolutely unstoppable."
Scarlett Johansson: "A force to be reckoned with."
Lucy Pinder: "An Unstoppable Force to be reckoned with!"
Suddenly, A Midget Called Tom walked in. Ladies ladies ladies. I have a proposal that might excite you both.
The actually averagely endowed Midget called Tom, gave away an alluring visual illusion that made his genitalia seem extraordinary big, the sheer intimidating sight of a not so tall man with an apparently way to long cock petrified the 2 busty women in place, giving Tom plenty of time to go on with his proposal.
"Ladies, i know just the place to carry out your breasty union, however no boob sandwich is completed without any meat on it, and no FraternTitty is complete without any titties, you have the tits, and as you can see i have the meat to go with them" said Tom as he helicopter dicked his penis around.
It took the lesbian pair a couple of minutes to process what was going on, until realizing that listening to anything coming from an exhibitionist stranger would be an act of utter foolishness, regardless of the size of his body or dick.
Lucy Pinder: "Nonsense! everyone knows that the only thing a good boob-sandwich needs is quality bums!"
Scarlett Johansson: "Plus after giving it a good look, your meat is not all that meaty"
Tom found his proposal stopped, could it be that he was losing some of his unstoppable powers? was this some of the side effects of a life of debauchery and hedonistic abandon? had he became rusty due to years and years of fuckboarding in the fuckboard? he knew that ever since he was topped by the IBA his unstoppability had suffered, but he didn't knew how much, however to not even be able to swindle his way into free boobjobs was too much, he needed to get his game back, at that moment Tom became determined to come out of retirement, and no one would stop him.
Meanwhile on a tropical island on South East Asia, IBA and VGAD continued with their easily to misunderstand encounter as Clive tried his hardest to moderate the situation, upon such an scene the live band couldn't help but judge the trio, till eventually one of them screamed "Get a damn room already!".
Saturday the 18th March... Grape man laughs his ass off and drools at the same time.
Grape man has a tendency to laugh a lot and do some weird random shit whenever he gets really bored.
Luckily for him (and everyone else), his tendencies only occur when he is alone at his house. But for a long time, there was fear about his unusual behavior kicking in, in public... fear that on that day the man known as Grape man would cease to exist, and from that point onward Grope man would become his name and identity.
Grope man always saw boobs as though they were giant grapes. Grapes that must be groped, and thus he was roped into his fetish. The drooling freak of nature would run out onto the streets looking for grapes to grope and the public hoped that this wouldn't grow to rape.
But it was too late, the ooze had done its damage. Another one had been let loose on the Mean Streets of Mean Street. This was like something out of a Dean Koontz novel. Only... nothing like a Dean Koontz novel. And isn't that the real truth?
The answer... is No. So what is the real truth? And what really happened that night in Vegas? Did the professor profess his love? Did the aggressor aggressively spill blood?
The Ooze, The Ooze... the Ooze is where the truth lies. But if the truth lies, why is it the truth?
The professor did profess his love that night in Vegas, but he was rejected.
Dejected by such an event, the professor started to get all hermeneutical on The Ooze, which was just another way of saying getting drunk on cheap beer, and then trying to analyze if the aforementioned events really happened.
Professor: "what is the truth? what is reality? did she really say no?"
Professor: "But did she tho? it is all just a matter of interpretation..."
___: "No but she really did."
Professor: "What is reality if not just a mere human construct!? in the end the truth is just a bunch of lies, there is where the truth lies!"
___: "Man... why do i get paired with all the weirdos?"
Professor: "Shut up, you are just some talking fish! you are not even real!"
Talking Salmon: "Oh is that so, but what is reality if not just a construct? that's what you were saying just now, you damn drunk!"
And the aggressor did aggressively spill blood. That was because the professor and the aggressor were both one and the same person. After a night on The Ooze, and eventually leaving a seedy Vegas bar, he stumbled back to the lab where he worked. Holding the key cards, he somehow managed to find his way inside and through the vast array of underground corridors until he eventually reached the sample room. It was here where The Ooze started to finally get the better of him, after being rejected for professing his love, he started to lash out. The blood-laden test tubes were knocked aggressively on the floor. In fact he started to smash up that whole lab.
But then a voice of reason came from within one of the lab's aquariums.
Talking Salmon: "Hey there, you drunken fool! What the hell is wrong with you?"
Professor the Aggressor: "How are you even talking underwater?
Talking Salmon: "Ahhhhhh, but what is reality, Mr Professor? Who are we to say what is possible?"
Professor the Aggressor: "Well I blew my big chance tonight. Asked one of my female co-workers on a date. As usual she said no. But what is the truth? What is reality? Did she really say no?"
Talking Salmon: "Yes."
Professor the Aggressor: "But did she tho? it is all just a matter of interpretation..."
Talking Salmon: "No but she really did."
Professor the Aggressor: "What is reality if not just a mere human construct!? in the end the truth is just a bunch of lies, there is where the truth lies!"
Talking Salmon: "Man... why do i get paired with all the weirdos?"
Professor the Aggressor: "Shut up, you are just some talking fish! you are not even real!"
Talking Salmon: "Oh is that so, but what is reality if not just a construct? that's what you were saying just now, you damn drunk!"
Professor the Aggressor: "Drunk? DRUNK! I was fucking drugged you idiot! Can't you smell the isopropyl alcohol in my bloodstream?!"
Talking Salmon: "I can't smell anything inside this water tank."
Professor the Aggressor: "I walk out of a Vegas bar and start stumbling across the road, not knowing what direction I was going in. I spot suspicious looking vans parked all over the place, several of them crashed into the side of buildings and satelite dishes scattered everywhere."
Talking Salmon: "You think it could all just be a human construct?"
Professor the Aggressor: "I don't know what to believe anymore. Kayla wont be able to look me in the eye when she comes back to work. I've embarrassed myself in front of her."
Talking Salmon: *starts sniffing* "Hmm, what's that smell?"
Professor the Aggressor: "Huh? I thought you couldn't smell inside that tank?"
Talking Salmon: "I can certainly smell 'that' down there."
Professor the Aggressor: "That?"
Talking Salmon: "The blood sample on the floor that you dropped. I recognise it. It's vaguely familiar. Look at the label, it should tell you who the blood belongs to."
Professor picked up the broken test tube, peeling the name sticker off the side and holding it aloft for both him and the Talking Salmon to see. The shock registered to both of them at the same time.
"OH. MY. GOD!"
The blood belonged to a man. A man by the name of Kayla.
Professor the Aggressor: "K-k-kayla's... a..... man?!?!?!"
Talking Salmon: "Well, well, looks like you dodged a bullet there, or a dick if you want to get technical."
Professor the Aggressor: "But how could this be?"
Talking Salmon: "Wanna get into a discussion of the conventions of human gender and sexuality? or do you want a real answer?"
Professor the Aggressor: "My entire love life has been a lie..."
Talking Salmon: "So just the past 2 hours and a half? wow what a tragedy, almost as big as having a science lab located in Las Vegas..."
Professor the Aggressor: "Hey! you can trash-talk me all you want, but you leave my lab out of this!"
Talking Salmon: "Does that even matter, look at what you did to this place? if it wasn't trashy before it sure is now, and since you pretty much ruined your working environment, both physically and psychologically, what about getting me out of here?"
Professor the Aggressor: "I-i... i have an excuse! i was drugged! it was not my fault, none of it..."
Talking Salmon: "Oh i am sure they will believe that, yeah... specially Kayla, he will totally go with that story."
Professor the Aggressor: "So what? what will i gain by getting you out of the tank?"
Talking Salmon: "I know of a special place, that can bring back all matter of lost things, from lost rafts, to lost dignity."
Professor the Aggressor: "I am not that desperate, plus now that i know that Kayla wasn't a..."
Talking Salmon: "It can even bring back the construct of a male coworker being female, DRUNKHALLA! can return to you your innermost desires! and make them a reality."
So close to the 500 comment landmark. So close, too close in fact, like incest.
Wow, there man! that's dangerously close, thus we will have to separate things a bit, and put that landmark at a 1000 comments, at which point we can maybe pass it as distant relatives, like a long lost 4th degree cousin or something.
And so a new term was coined. Outcest.
And so i rushed to trademark our new slang, but alas, Outcest was already a thing...
On the other hand, did you know that Outcest is illegal in Alabama?
Only in Alabama!! Incessant incest. "If you don't fuck your own Ma, you're goin' to jail, boyyy!"
But Uncle! i am already fucking auntie, oh shit...
It was the only thing uncle could say, after his nephew's confession.
Coming up next week on Keeping It In the Family! Well er... we can't er, tell you, because we have to keep it in the family. Family Secrets and all. Or in this case, Family Secretions.
Spilling soon to a TV channel near you!
That show in which we don't tell you a thing, but you know that plenty of things are going on.
Kind of like the LAPD.
Oooooh Shots Fired!
Just like the LAPD likes it...
Haha! LAPD... SLAMMED!!
Which is what they like to do to those in custody against cars...
Damn, they got burned!!
Just like that evidence against the LAPD...
Closed and unsolved, just like most LAPD investigated cases...
They just like to keep it in the family of the police force.
And so do we, and you!
On this brand new spin off of everyone's favorite family show!
Keeping It In the Family! LAPD Edition, the Top Secret Files!
They literally like to keep it in the family. That's all they do, keep their cocks in the family.
Everyone is getting screwed over, even the audience who watch this damn spin off show.
This show was filmed in front of a live audience, which was then put in prison, for reason we will never tell you because we will keep it in the family!
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